I blew it

November 9, 2017
Thursday

Vanessa and I have been visiting a shop downtown and have made good friends with a girl who works near our favorite coffee shop – Cup a Joe.  Sarah quickly became someone we enjoyed seeing on weekends.

The previous weekend we finally made plans to get together, hopefully today, to hang out and talk.  Real girl-talk!  Up until then all I had was Vanessa.  Our other roommate, Kit, despised me – and still does – because I opened Vanessa to the world and she loves it.

Okay.  Kit was jealous but that’s a whole other story that I still find confusing.

Sarah was to meet a friend then come over around 8:00 PM.  Well, that friend didn’t arrive at her place until 10:00 PM.  We weren’t meeting that night.  That left us with Sunday morning.

Sunday… hmm…  I suppose I could spare a couple of hours to solidify a friendship.

November 10, 2017
Friday

Despite a crippling law suit from Target a few months back, I managed to save up $100 for our up-and-coming wedding anniversary.  I had to use a creative financial shuffle to balance everything.  I thought I was secure.

Then the unthinkable happened: Sprint demanded payment or we all lose cell phone service.  The price to keep us communicating: $94!  NO!

I explained this to Becca but was so caught up that I completely forgot about our dinner date.  I had $52 to keep me for the next week and I was busy trying to figure out how to stretch that so I can just keep gas in my car.  Nevertheless, my failure to consider our date was my first mistake.

November 12, 2017
Sunday

The big day arrives.  2 big events in 1 day!

We met Sarah at Fiction Kitchen for lunch.  It was amazing.  I was planning on getting just water or a drink but Vanessa wouldn’t hear of it.  She insisted on pay for my lunch.

After sitting there for a while, we headed back to our apartment and talked for a few hours.  Eventually she had to leave – as did I!

But what was I doing with Becca?  My plans had been destroyed and I had nothing for her – that I could remember.

Worse, what do I wear?  This is between her and Bob so dressing up as a woman seemed wrong and unfair to her but dressing up as a man was equally wrong and unfair to me.  I ended up in a pink tee-shirt, grey sweats, nice black sweater and no makeup.

I stopped at the store intending to get a rose – red or white – and a card.  Naturally there weren’t any roses so I went for the next best thing I could find: food.  She had mentioned years ago that she loved Summer Sausages and I knew she loved Hershey’s Kisses.  That handled, I handed over my lunch money for the week.

The card was blank – nothing else made sense given the state of our relationship.  I did my best to write something meaningful and heartfelt without being condescending or too suggestive.

Then I made a massively critical mistake.  I tried to get creative by writing her name on the front of the card in 2 colors.  “R – b – e – a” in blue and “- e – b – c -” in red.

It came out Rebbeca instead of Rebecca.  I got the count correct… IDIOT!  After 13 years I finally misspelled her name right when it was critical I get it all correct.

So I show up with no money, no plans, cheap gifts and a card with a misspelled name.  Meanwhile she was dressed up, expecting a good time and got… a kick in the teeth.

It crushed her.

I tried.  I swear I tried to do right by her.

And seeing her response devastated me.

I had nothing left.  Everything had been spent on bills and a little gasoline.  Actually, more than everything had been spent.  Lunches and dinners are getting ever smaller.  My thanksgiving week is already overdrawn and I haven’t been paid yet.  It’s a good thing I only need to get to work 3 days next week.  Maybe I’ll camp out and save gas.

But Becca is still devastated and I’m at fault.  What can I do?  I begged her to forgive me.  I’m still begging even though she says I’m forgiven.

Worse, she’s questioning letting me be a friend.

November 16, 2017
Thursday

I held on to my last $12 until yesterday when I used it for gas.  I think I have enough to get me home but not enough to get me back to work tomorrow.  I’d normally be thankful for a pay day.  But tomorrow’s money is already claimed.  I have nothing for the next week.  Still, I’ve survived this long.  I’m sure I’ll find a way through the next few weeks with little-to-no money.

I just need to worry about selling our house and find a new place to live by Dec 28.  Kit has given me until that time to move out.  He cares not where or how.

And now that Target is happy, I need to pay back Paul all the money I borrowed to pay Peter.  December will be very tight.

Work has been frustrating event after frustrating event.  We’ve had so much overlap and bad design, I can’t get my code to stay working.  It works.  Someone makes changes and breaks or completely subverts my work.  Guess who gets blamed?

2015: walking through hell with God
2016: swimming in hell with God.
2017: poked my head up and was thrust back into hell by “Christians.”  Now it’s just hell and sinking.  I gave up on god.  His crappy 6w night light gave out on me.

Why am I trying to make a difference?  No matter what I do I get beat down.

year after year after year of hell.

I have so little left.

 

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1 year later…

1 year ago (10/13/2016) I started on estrogen.  I had been on Spiro for a month prior, but that was for blood pressure with some testosterone blocking affects.

So what’s changed?

EVERYTHING.

  • I live somewhere else.
  • Rebecca and I are just friends.  (At least we have that!)
  • I respond to Rachael naturally.  Bob still works, but not as well.
  • My weight is down to the high 220’s – low 230’s.
  • I dress only as a woman.  My male clothes only come out… well, no, they don’t come out anymore.  Time to donate!
  • I love wearing dresses and skirts, especially to work!
  • I love putting on makeup.  I’m learning various eye shadow styles these days.  With little effort I can make myself look younger and more vibrant – and more feminine!

I found a sister in Vanessa Rosen.  We think SO much alike it’s scary.

I found a friend in Kit Rosen, though it’s been up and down.  They are super funny but asexual.  Think Spook.

Sweet News!

I’ve been feeling fat this past week.  I was certain I had gained weight – maybe taking me back to 240+.  Not good.

Then I weighed myself this morning.

Ready for this?

229.0 lbs!

Wow!  That’s me over eating and feeling fat.  It’ll get even better as I lose more weight!  Of course Vanessa, with her stomach issues, is down to 188 lbs.

Nevertheless I’m staying in the 220’s!  I gained 1 pound from “over eating.”

I’m loving having a friend (Teresa) at work who gives me compliments and pointers.  We finally had a chance to share lunch on Wednesday.  That was fun as well.

I love being a woman.  There is so much to learn, so much to unlearn and yet I’ve come so far in just a few months.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

Today I wore my new dress.  It’s a green mini-dress with a blue and green see-through a-line knee-length dress over it.  My off-white (loose) sweater, nylons and tan heeled boots complete the outfit.

Oh, me.  Oh, my.  Miniskirt?  ME?

:: blush :: yes.

Rebecca likes it.  Teresa likes it.  I love it, though I think I need to walk through some populated place like WalMart of the Crabtree Mall and see how many heads I turn – if not for the too masculine face, then for the great outfit.

A Story Response

This is a real comment on YouTube.  The video is a child exploring their world and wanting to be called “she” instead of “he.”  Rather than blast the person, I figured I’d write a little something around my desired response:

“HE is just a mentally disturbed boy, pretending to be a girl, encouraged by irresponsible parents.  Those are facts!  Nothing disrespectful to see here.”

The professor turned to face the room.  “This is the kind of junk ‘science’ we see so often.” making air quotes around “science.”  “It’s infuriating to think so many people are so narrow minded and unwilling to gain even a basic understanding before they judge and pronounce sentence.”

He paused.  “But there it is… over and over and over.”

“What’s worse?”  The professor stopped at this question.

Students looked at each other.  Were they supposed to answer?

Someone from the back shouted, “Rape.”

The professor smiled.  “Yes, rape is worse.  But think within this context.  What are people doing that makes them such hypocrites?”

The class remained silent for a moment.  Nobody seemed to know what the professor was driving at.

“People think they have a right to tell others what they can or cannot do while they sit around complaining about others restricting their rights.

“So let us treat this comment with the same respect it shows the transgender individual.  Does anyone have a proper response?”

At this the class began muttering.  Insults are easier to fashion than compliments.

“Brainless Loser!” came the first shout.

“That’s a start.” confirmed the professor.  “Keep it going.”

“You willing moron. Go read something useful. Maybe you can become a useful person some day.”

“Nice.  It describes their mental state, gives them a solution and suggests they might become more constructive.  All while it’s degrading and insulting them.”

“Is this how we should treat each other, donkey excrement?”

“I’m sure we can all devolve into monkeys and sit around throwing scat at each other.  Would that suit you better, dog breath?”

“Very good.  Thank you.”  The professor stopped the class before the insults got too thick.

“Whether you were this person or the child, it’s not so fun when the desire to tear someone down is directed at you, is it?”

 

My Transgender Parable

I was driving down the road assured by everyone I’m doing good and headed the right way.  Life is good and people are happy.  Thing is, my car is misaligned and keeps pulling me into on-coming traffic.  Each day I dodge around a few cars and get back on the road, hoping I can hold the wheel steady forever.

I do research and speak to a number of mechanics. They all tell me using a steering additive will fix the problem but it leaks and will slowly change my car’s color.  I never liked my car’s color anyway.

A group of people speak up:

  • “It’s wrong. The manufacturer says steering additives are bad.”
  • “Your car is fine because, well, look at the outside.”
  • “Fixing your car will kill you. The manufacturer says so.”
  • “You can’t fix it.  Your car will always be a car.  Nothing will change that.”

So I listen to them and the voice of fear and keep driving as-is.

Day after day I struggle to keep my car in-line.
Day after day it gets harder and I get weaker.

Eventually I lose control, side-swipe another car and crash into a building.  It severely hurts the other driver.  I’m so tired of fighting, so amazingly overwhelmed I lay down and start to bleed out.

“Luck” finds me.  Someone manages to revive me and patch me up enough to get back in the car.  Other than some scrapes and dents the car’s body fairs well but it’s even harder to handle on the road.  Another collision is imminent.

Now that same group of people keep texting and calling me, giving me the same stories. They tell me to keep driving as-is because the car’s body is fine. But I KNOW better because I’ve been driving it all my life.

Is it wise to continue driving when you KNOW it will quickly lead to not only your own death but serious damage and possibly death to others?

Car = my body
Driver = my mind and spirit

Amazing Results
I’ve been taking that additive for almost a year. The price exacted by others is very high. But my car is driving true.  I can finally let go and let God drive.

So much of my life has become easier to handle. I can THINK more clearly and multitask so much better. Mountainous problems have become little more than hills easily conquered – especially with God’s help.

Best of all: no more secrets.  I don’t need to hide from myself, others or God like I did before.

I just wish others would stop trying to convince me I’m wrong.