What is Gender Dysphoria?
Gender dysphoria is caused by a simple and (nearly) inescapable conflict. It’s knowing your body and your mind don’t match. This conflict is ever present, like a spike in the mind. Over and over the conflict forces itself into conscious thought, unbidden and unwanted. This creates a downward spiral of thoughts and emotions that is impossible to prevent and difficult to stop.
This intrusion into conscious thought occurs dozens of times a day initially, increasing in frequency as the months and years pass. After roughly 6 years of this, the conflict forces itself into conscious awareness upwards of 400 times a day. Can you image that? The next 2 years are spent in a daze, nearly every waking moment stuck in a spiral of hellish emotions and thoughts. Simple work is difficult at best. 15 minutes of focus is heaven.
How do we cope?
With effort over several minutes the conflict is pushed to the back of the mind and temporarily forgotten. When that fails, the conflict is appeased by seeing the success of others – real or imaginary. Fulfilling the conflict can take hours. Eventually the cycle of thoughts are purged from consciousness until the tiniest reminder brings it crashing back.
Why is it so bad?
The cycle of thoughts that spiral inward and plague the mind drag it ever deeper into hell. Depression spikes. Attitudes rapidly degrade, hurting loved ones.
Something inside breaks and all but the body is crushed by the mountain of thoughts and emotions that have been pushed to the back of the mind for years. The terror and pain are indescribable. A part of the mind is violently ripped away and dies.
Then the mountain passes and everything resets. The cycle returns to a few dozen “attacks” per day.
Only now the mind is less than it was. Worse yet, each 8-year cycle is more intense and does more damage, leading deeper into hell, taking ever more from the mind.
Transitioning aligns the appearance of the body to the shape expected by the mind. This stops the conflict and ends the dysphoria. DNA IS NOT INVOLVED.
The mind is FREE. The heart feels more deeply. Love actually has meaning. The soul rejoiced. At long last, real PEACE and JOY exist for more than a fleeting moment.
No more pretending. No more acting. I am able to be ME, authentic, real, unpracticed…
I endured this 8-year cycle 4 times, each worse than the previous. The last occurred when I was 46. (I managed to hold it in for 11 years – a record!) For the last 2 months before the fall I could hear and feel my soul screaming as it was ripped apart, caught between body and mind, the distance too great to bridge. Every minute of every day my mind was filled with screams and waves of pain.
When I broke I was so amazingly overwhelmed that I collapsed, feeling my consciousness shatter, liquefy and leak out my ear into a puddle on the floor. I lost consciousness for 40 minutes. You cannot imagine the terror that swept through every cell in my body as I touched insanity. I was dead, gone, beyond reach but God brought me back… mostly.
When I awoke I discovered ALL of my coping mechanisms and ALL the walls holding back the conflict were gone, broken, useless. The conflict was permanently etched into every conscious thought, every waking moment for the rest of my life. That 8-year cycle was reduced to 2 years at most. Fragile as I was at the time, I knew I’d be dead inside 6 weeks if I didn’t do something.
My choices became clear: transition or die. I wanted to die. Hell is a vacation compared to this! But I have a wife with failing health and a young son. They would be left destitute without my support. With all her pain and problems, my wife wouldn’t live long.
So I chose life for my wife and child. In 6 weeks I was transitioning. Just starting was enough to reduce the conflict to just 1-2 times PER WEEK. It was GLORIOUS! It felt like I had spent my entire life in a cold, dark cave. Transitioning drew me out of the cave to find myself in a meadow on a warm spring day.
My mind was FREE. My heart could feel more deeply than ever in my life. My soul rejoiced. I finally knew real PEACE and JOY.
I was able to be ME, authentic, real, unpracticed…
And it lasted just over 1 year.
Choosing life has consequences.
Every Christian in my life turned against me and stripped me of everything including my faith. I was left with a car, some clothes and a job.
But I was FREE!
Eventually I was reunited with my family and found my faith again. Love conquers all!
I came out at work to applause then alienation. I was given tasks and denied any help and when I completed a task, my work was ripped apart and I was told to redo it. At the first opportunity I was fired for poor performance and offered a 6 month severance to keep my mouth shut.
I took it. (What choice did I have?)
I spent all 6 months looking for a job as Rachael. I barely managed a handful of callbacks and 1 interview. Desperate for work, I changed my name on my resume (nothing else) and was working full time in 6 weeks – my dream job no less!
Going back to being “Bob” HURT. Society forced me back into my torment. But this time I had some support and I continued my hormone replacement.
Now my 2 years are up. My dysphoria is back to intolerable levels, raging in my head. And now I’m doing more, planning on bigger changes.