I am a Christian transgender woman. That’s quite a mouth full.
All my life I have felt a connection with the universe that transcends the physical world. I can feel an unseen power. For many years I called that power “energy” for a long time. Now I call it the Holy Spirit. It surrounds us. It binds us. And it affects us in subtle ways we cannot begin to understand.
I was born in to a middle-class family. My mother has always been dedicated to God. My father has always been dedicated to science. From that I grew up learning science, loving the natural world and dedicating myself to technology – especially that new thing: the home computer. But I was also introduced to God many times. I respected religion but I never really believed. I don’t think I even qualified as a Sunday Christian most years
But life conspired to show me an amazing pastor and a dedicated wife. Together I was brought before God where I became a Sunday Christian. But my faith was good and strong.
Then VdC happened. First my wife went and came back changed for the better. She was more tolerant, more loving and highly dedicated to God. She even stopped listening to “secular” music. I was so impressed I attended the next gathering. It was amazing! I learned so much about what it should mean to be a Christian. It was a powerful powerful experience. I attended a 2nd and 3rd time. Loving and giving over and over. It was like the more we gave the better we were at giving and the more we could give. We helped each other in ways far beyond rational explanation. In one case my wife came down with a really bad migraine headache. She was laying in bed, unable to think when all of a sudden it lifted. The migraine drained away revealing a chant outside. Others heard of her dilemma and surrounded her bungalow, praying for healing. She hasn’t had a migraine end so suddenly before nor since. Praise God!
From that first trip to VdC camp North of Los Angeles my heart opened as wide as the Grand Canyon. I could feel love so deep it was beyond measure. I could feel the energy of the trees and grass and insects. Everything. It changed my life. And in that time I gave my whole self to God.
And that’s where it got interesting. In the midst of all this, my gender dysphoria was still very active. I lived as a man, hiding my femaleness from everyone and everything. God doesn’t want me to be a woman, right? And I gave that up to God.
He gave it back.
I remember it like yesterday. I stood on a mountainside as the sun rose between 2 peaks on the other side of a wide valley. The air was cool and crisp. It was so quiet you could almost hear your heartbeat. I closed my eyes and gave up everything to God. For a time I was free. No pain, no stress, no dysphoria.
Within 10 minutes the dysphoria was back. It was a bit of a let-down but I persisted. The feeling of love was enough to carry me.
Still I persisted being a man for another 2 years. I dedicated much of myself to hiding. Nobody could know my secret. I could not be the person God made me on the inside.
You cannot imagine the stress. It built and built because I would not submit. I am a Godly man. And when it became too much I sought help. Christians prayed and prayed. The same Christians that cured a migraine could do nothing to even dent my torment. I looked elsewhere but it all required extensive driving or money I couldn’t afford. And so no help came, no help could be found. And I suffered an anguish beyond measure. I felt like my heart was being torn apart all the time.
Then we moved. We left California for Raleigh. It’s the closest you can get to California weather on the East coast plus my wife and I both have family here. And I knew God wanted it because I was hired sight-unseen by FujiFilm after just 3 phone interviews. I was the only employee to get this treatment. They even paid to move us. We arrived and exactly when we needed a house, the perfect place became available. We literally signed the rental contract as the moving truck pulled up.
Now a new voice arose in me. It wasn’t love or light. It was the sound of my soul screaming in torment. At first it was a faint sound like nails on a chock board heard from 100 feet away. Nearly every waking minute became a deepening torment. That feeling of being ripped apart grew stronger. The sound of my soul grew louder and louder until it consumed my thoughts.
But I persisted. I had a wife and child. They expected a husband and father.
We moved into a new home. For the first time we owned the home in which we lived.
But the screaming and ripping torment grew stronger. It took all my energy just to get through the day, let alone do anything productive.
Still I persisted until I used up everything I had. I burned my heart, my soul then burned my relationships. And a feather dropped on me and everything crashed.
With my last breath I prayed God would bring me home.
Darkness took me as I lost my mind. My body started to shut down.
But God wasn’t done with me. He brought me back with a start. I was so depressed I could hardly breath. And then I realized God left me naked. All my walls were gone. All my coping mechanism were useless.
Within a minute of waking I felt an urgency I’ve never known: go insane in endless torment or change my body. There was nothing else.
Okay, okay. I’ve told people suicide was a 3rd option. And, yes, I could kill myself. But that was never a real option, not since I stood on the roof at the age of 18, ready to drop. God brought me back from that as well. After that, suicide was never an option. No matter how bad things got, I could not even irrationally consider suicide.
Can you imagine being tortured until your mind is completely lost?
How can you compare that to Internet porn or even alcoholism? Even alcoholics have to seek their poison. My tormentors stood all around me every day. There is no way to avoid all women forever. And women were my torment. They had by design what I needed to end my torture.
So that’s my background.
My next post is what I do moving forward.