Sand and Wind

My home sits on the edge of a desert bordered by sand and wind.

My yard is clean and innocent.
In my youth the wind is light.
The sand only shows that I am different.
Still it does not bother me.

But the wind blows and sand moves.

My yard is clean and the grass grows tall.
The sand starts to encroach.
In my puberty I discover people reject the sand.
To have sand in your yard is forbidden, sinful.
I erect a simple wall blocking the wind and the sand.

Still the wind blows and the sand moves.

My yard is clean and well groomed.
In my confusion I join the military.
I learn to build a wall of stone.
It was good.
It was strong.

Now the wind blow harder and the sand moves faster.

My yard is clean, my home filled with pride and accomplishment.
I become a professional with a steady income.
I have toys to keep my mind occupied.

Meanwhile sand accumulates and my wall is buried.
I fight back the sand to no avail.
Giving in, I let the sand come.
I start to see positive change.
Why is the sand not allowed?

Opportunity knocks on my front door.
Fear grips me.
I will be hurt for certain!
I hastily shove the sand away with a new wall, new determination.
I am safe; I look normal.

But the wind blows and the sand moves.

My yard is clean.
I am free inside my walls.
Life is easier.
In my neglect the sand overruns my walls.
Again I give in.  Again I start to see change.

Love finds me.
My heart’s fire builds tall glass walls.
A family is created.
My walls are reinforced.

The wind blows and the sand moves.

Slowly the glass chips and cracks.
I use all my tools to keep it intact.
Over and over I melt the sand and seal the cracks.

But the wind blows and the sand moves.

Finally my walls break.
I cannot hold back the sand and the wind.
For a moment I embrace life.

My family bows and demands reparations.
Rebuild the wall or lose the house.
I walk on glass to stop the sand.
For a time I am successful.

The wind blows and the sand moves.

My feet are cut.
My tools broken.
My walls have crumbled.
My resistance shattered.

I stand in the wind feeling warm, free.
My expression changes.
I realize the truth.

The sand is love and change.
God speaks with the wind.

 

Addendum:

I have embraced the sand and listen to the wind.
I see changes as the sand slowly sculpts my body.
I realize now the desert is not endless.
Embrace it early and it will change you and pass.
The more walls you erect the more the sand will forever be in your yard.

The wind moves gently, the sand slowly rolls by.

My future is uncertain.
For now my family stands with me.

When the sand passes and I stand anew
I fear I will be thrust into the night,
Alone again with the ever present wind.


About This

The original text above was written by my heart with help from God back on August 1, 2016.  At the time I was broken, unable to deny being transgender yet still afraid of losing my home, family and job.  My choices were simple: check into a hospital where I slowly go insane or embrace the feminine.  I chose the later.

In the past there was much fear that grew with my changes.  It drove me into hiding where I could pretend to be normal – a hypocrite.  This time is different.  There is fear, but not of the changes.  I desire the changes.  I need the changes.  No, this time I fear my wife and son will withdraw their love.

Despite my fears for the future, I know God stands with me.

God loves us as we should love each other.

 

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