November 9, 2017
Vanessa and I have been visiting a shop downtown and have made good friends with a girl who works near our favorite coffee shop – Cup a Joe. Sarah quickly became someone we enjoyed seeing on weekends.
The previous weekend we finally made plans to get together, hopefully today, to hang out and talk. Real girl-talk! Up until then all I had was Vanessa. Our other roommate, Kit, despised me – and still does – because I opened Vanessa to the world and she loves it.
Okay. Kit was jealous but that’s a whole other story that I still find confusing.
Sarah was to meet a friend then come over around 8:00 PM. Well, that friend didn’t arrive at her place until 10:00 PM. We weren’t meeting that night. That left us with Sunday morning.
Sunday… hmm… I suppose I could spare a couple of hours to solidify a friendship.
November 10, 2017
Despite a crippling law suit from Target a few months back, I managed to save up $100 for our up-and-coming wedding anniversary. I had to use a creative financial shuffle to balance everything. I thought I was secure.
Then the unthinkable happened: Sprint demanded payment or we all lose cell phone service. The price to keep us communicating: $94! NO!
I explained this to Becca but was so caught up that I completely forgot about our dinner date. I had $52 to keep me for the next week and I was busy trying to figure out how to stretch that so I can just keep gas in my car. Nevertheless, my failure to consider our date was my first mistake.
November 12, 2017
The big day arrives. 2 big events in 1 day!
We met Sarah at Fiction Kitchen for lunch. It was amazing. I was planning on getting just water or a drink but Vanessa wouldn’t hear of it. She insisted on pay for my lunch.
After sitting there for a while, we headed back to our apartment and talked for a few hours. Eventually she had to leave – as did I!
But what was I doing with Becca? My plans had been destroyed and I had nothing for her – that I could remember.
Worse, what do I wear? This is between her and Bob so dressing up as a woman seemed wrong and unfair to her but dressing up as a man was equally wrong and unfair to me. I ended up in a pink tee-shirt, grey sweats, nice black sweater and no makeup.
I stopped at the store intending to get a rose – red or white – and a card. Naturally there weren’t any roses so I went for the next best thing I could find: food. She had mentioned years ago that she loved Summer Sausages and I knew she loved Hershey’s Kisses. That handled, I handed over my lunch money for the week.
The card was blank – nothing else made sense given the state of our relationship. I did my best to write something meaningful and heartfelt without being condescending or too suggestive.
Then I made a massively critical mistake. I tried to get creative by writing her name on the front of the card in 2 colors. “R – b – e – a” in blue and “- e – b – c -” in red.
It came out Rebbeca instead of Rebecca. I got the count correct… IDIOT! After 13 years I finally misspelled her name right when it was critical I get it all correct.
So I show up with no money, no plans, cheap gifts and a card with a misspelled name. Meanwhile she was dressed up, expecting a good time and got… a kick in the teeth.
It crushed her.
I tried. I swear I tried to do right by her.
And seeing her response devastated me.
I had nothing left. Everything had been spent on bills and a little gasoline. Actually, more than everything had been spent. Lunches and dinners are getting ever smaller. My thanksgiving week is already overdrawn and I haven’t been paid yet. It’s a good thing I only need to get to work 3 days next week. Maybe I’ll camp out and save gas.
But Becca is still devastated and I’m at fault. What can I do? I begged her to forgive me. I’m still begging even though she says I’m forgiven.
Worse, she’s questioning letting me be a friend.
November 16, 2017
I held on to my last $12 until yesterday when I used it for gas. I think I have enough to get me home but not enough to get me back to work tomorrow. I’d normally be thankful for a pay day. But tomorrow’s money is already claimed. I have nothing for the next week. Still, I’ve survived this long. I’m sure I’ll find a way through the next few weeks with little-to-no money.
I just need to worry about selling our house and find a new place to live by Dec 28. Kit has given me until that time to move out. He cares not where or how.
And now that Target is happy, I need to pay back Paul all the money I borrowed to pay Peter. December will be very tight.
Work has been frustrating event after frustrating event. We’ve had so much overlap and bad design, I can’t get my code to stay working. It works. Someone makes changes and breaks or completely subverts my work. Guess who gets blamed?
2015: walking through hell with God
2016: swimming in hell with God.
2017: poked my head up and was thrust back into hell by “Christians.” Now it’s just hell and sinking. I gave up on god. His crappy 6w night light gave out on me.
Why am I trying to make a difference? No matter what I do I get beat down.
year after year after year of hell.
I have so little left.