Christian Talking

I am a Christian transgender woman.  That’s quite a mouth full.

All my life I have felt a connection with the universe that transcends the physical world.  I can feel an unseen power.  For many years I called that power “energy” for a long time.  Now I call it the Holy Spirit.  It surrounds us.  It binds us.  And it affects us in subtle ways we cannot begin to understand.

I was born in to a middle-class family.  My mother has always been dedicated to God.  My father has always been dedicated to science.  From that I grew up learning science, loving the natural world and dedicating myself to technology – especially that new thing: the home computer.  But I was also introduced to God many times.  I respected religion but I never really believed.  I don’t think I even qualified as a Sunday Christian most years

But life conspired to show me an amazing pastor and a dedicated wife.  Together I was brought before God where I became a Sunday Christian.  But my faith was good and strong.

Then VdC happened.  First my wife went and came back changed for the better.  She was more tolerant, more loving and highly dedicated to God.  She even stopped listening to “secular” music.  I was so impressed I attended the next gathering.  It was amazing!  I learned so much about what it should mean to be a Christian.  It was a powerful powerful experience.  I attended a 2nd and 3rd time.  Loving and giving over and over.  It was like the more we gave the better we were at giving and the more we could give.  We helped each other in ways far beyond rational explanation.  In one case my wife came down with a really bad migraine headache.  She was laying in bed, unable to think when all of a sudden it lifted.  The migraine drained away revealing a chant outside.  Others heard of her dilemma and surrounded her bungalow, praying for healing.  She hasn’t had a migraine end so suddenly before nor since.  Praise God!

From that first trip to VdC camp North of Los Angeles my heart opened as wide as the Grand Canyon.  I could feel love so deep it was beyond measure.  I could feel the energy of the trees and grass and insects.  Everything.  It changed my life.  And in that time I gave my whole self to God.

And that’s where it got interesting.  In the midst of all this, my gender dysphoria was still very active.  I lived as a man, hiding my femaleness from everyone and everything.  God doesn’t want me to be a woman, right?  And I gave that up to God.

He gave it back.

I remember it like yesterday.  I stood on a mountainside as the sun rose between 2 peaks on the other side of a wide valley.  The air was cool and crisp.  It was so quiet you could almost hear your heartbeat.  I closed my eyes and gave up everything to God.  For a time I was free.  No pain, no stress, no dysphoria.

Within 10 minutes the dysphoria was back.  It was a bit of a let-down but I persisted.  The feeling of love was enough to carry me.

Still I persisted being a man for another 2 years.  I dedicated much of myself to hiding.  Nobody could know my secret.  I could not be the person God made me on the inside.

You cannot imagine the stress.  It built and built because I would not submit.  I am a Godly man.  And when it became too much I sought help.  Christians prayed and prayed.  The same Christians that cured a migraine could do nothing to even dent my torment.  I looked elsewhere but it all required extensive driving or money I couldn’t afford.  And so no help came, no help could be found.  And I suffered an anguish beyond measure. I felt like my heart was being torn apart all the time.

Then we moved.  We left California for Raleigh.  It’s the closest you can get to California weather on the East coast plus my wife and I both have family here.  And I knew God wanted it because I was hired sight-unseen by FujiFilm after just 3 phone interviews.  I was the only employee to get this treatment.  They even paid to move us.  We arrived and exactly when we needed a house, the perfect place became available.  We literally signed the rental contract as the moving truck pulled up.

Now a new voice arose in me.  It wasn’t love or light.  It was the sound of my soul screaming in torment.  At first it was a faint sound like nails on a chock board heard from 100 feet away.  Nearly every waking minute became a deepening torment.  That feeling of being ripped apart grew stronger.  The sound of my soul grew louder and louder until it consumed my thoughts.

But I persisted.  I had a wife and child.  They expected a husband and father.

We moved into a new home.  For the first time we owned the home in which we lived.

But the screaming and ripping torment grew stronger.  It took all my energy just to get through the day, let alone do anything productive.

Still I persisted until I used up everything I had.  I burned my heart, my soul then burned my relationships.  And a feather dropped on me and everything crashed.

With my last breath I prayed God would bring me home.

Darkness took me as I lost my mind.  My body started to shut down.

But God wasn’t done with me.  He brought me back with a start.  I was so depressed I could hardly breath.  And then I realized God left me naked.  All my walls were gone.  All my coping mechanism were useless.

Within a minute of waking I felt an urgency I’ve never known: go insane in endless torment or change my body.  There was nothing else.

Okay, okay.  I’ve told people suicide was a 3rd option.  And, yes, I could kill myself.  But that was never a real option, not since I stood on the roof at the age of 18, ready to drop.  God brought me back from that as well.  After that, suicide was never an option.  No matter how bad things got, I could not even irrationally consider suicide.

Can you imagine being tortured until your mind is completely lost?

How can you compare that to Internet porn or even alcoholism?  Even alcoholics have to seek their poison.  My tormentors stood all around me every day.  There is no way to avoid all women forever.  And women were my torment.  They had by design what I needed to end my torture.

So that’s my background.

My next post is what I do moving forward.


Conversation With a Christian

A man calling himself “A Follower” and I had a back-and-forth conversation.

This is what many Christians have stated, though this person is a little more harsh.


Rachael Platt I appreciate your solemn and reasonable comment. The reality is that I too had friends that were in the homoerotic lifestyle either secretly and in the open, and although they knew I never approved or endorsed it, I Loved Them. When don’t ask, don’t tell was repealed, I knew at that moment this country was headed towards a dark place and I had to let go of many friends because of my Beliefs. The reality is, you don’t get to enforce laws that respect your beliefs in this country, and that is what you espouse, merely beliefs. For you to call yourself a woman, to me, is a Grave insult to women. You neither have the physical experience, biological disposition, nor the mental understanding to ever truly be a woman. You will have supporters and those that make your comfortable in your choices, everyone does, but that doesn’t make it okay and it will never resolve the issue. You are not a race, and your characteristic is not immutable. I will tell you like I told my friends, I Love You because you are a Soul, like myself. I Mourn for you, and I have my own sins and faults that I struggle with personally on a daily basis, but I know that i’ve chosen them all, and I will never blame others, God, or Life, for my own mistakes or misperceptions. You may not want to consider your choices a mistake or misperception, but I and many others will never respect it as anything better than that. We WILL Love You, and Help You, but not towards self-destruction and insistence on confusion. Don’t ask don’t tell is a standard for those sane enough to keep their behaviors to themselves. If you want to make a show of your basically irreconcilable beliefs, the government has no basis nor legal right to protect you or pass laws confirming the establishment of your beliefs.


A Follower: I presume by your words that you are Christian. If so, please read Romans 13:8-10.  It is the Law of Love.

You are judging me without cause or fact. Worst of all, you are judging my walk with God. Please pray on this. God can explain what I cannot.

Please do not presume to know what choices God has given me. Please do not presume to know what works and what does not. That is the height of hubris and arrogance. I say this in rebuke, not insult.


THERE IS NO CONFUSION. THERE NEVER WAS. I have always been a daughter of God. He created me this way.

You do not understand my struggles  because you lack the perspective.  Do you have ears to hear? Will you listen and learn or will you continue to judge and trip up others?

I died following God’s word.  My gender dysphoria built up so much stress that my soul SCREAMED IN AGONY constantly. My heart tried to cope and was overwhelmed to such a degree that I could not feel love.  I COULD NOT FEEL OR HEAR GOD.  But I could feel pain.  And when I finally broke, my body started to shut down.

Can you fathom how emotionally painful all that is?
Can you imagine hearing your soul SCREAM for the torment to stop, over and over and over?
Can you understand the idea of pain so deep and dark it covers your heart and blocks all love?
Can you grasp the intense feelings of regret and longing that filled me to overflowing EVERY TIME I saw a woman?

Can you empathize with a woman whom can never be a mother?  (That is me!)  And the gut wrenching pain of watching happy mommies hold their babies, knowing I can never do that?

God brought me back from the dead and left me naked before my enemy – my dysphoria. He has endless choices but He provided me with 3:

  • Transition and continue to support my family.
  • Go insane and lose everything.
  • Commit suicide and lose everything.

Not long after I started to transition my soul stopped screaming and my heart poured out love again. Best of all, I can FEEL God again.

I just wish Christians would stop deciding what is clean and unclean for God. He alone decides what is clean.

I was washed clean by the blood of Jesus. I believe in Him and so I am saved. John 3:16. That’s all the man on the cross next to Jesus needed to be saved. That should be all I need.


Mr. Platt, please stop using The Bible to justify your false presumptions. God is Clear as to what is an Abomination and what is Not. Men wearing Women’s Clothing is an Abomination to Him as per HIS WORDS. Furthermore, Love is also not pretending sin does not exist. Love is Exposing Sin for what it is and Calling for, as Jesus Himself did, REPENTANCE (Meta-noia = changing of your mind). This is why Paul states in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 that Christians should NOT be DECEIVED, for neither fornicators, idolators, adulterers, EFFEMINATE (Malakoi = the soft in character/girly/sensual), practitioners of homoeroticism, thieves, drunks, revilers, and robbers will ever inherit The Kingdom of God. Stop blaming God for your own personal choices and your misperceptions. I know full well what it feels like to be in personal torment over my sins and faults, and scream out to God for Help and Salvation from myself and my Wretchedness. That darkness was a Blessing that Helped me See The Light in Christ, and therefore I REPENTED and made no excuse for my sin. For as The Apostle John (The one whom Jesus Loved) stated, “whoever claims to have no sin is a Liar, and the Truth is not in him.” Being a follower of Christ DEMANDS that you deny yourself (your views, your sinful desires, and false beliefs) and head towards The Truth. It doesn’t mean we won’t mess up, and i’m not Judging someone who’s actually walking and trying to enter Jesus’ Rest, but I will not sit here and condone Heresy from someone who claims to be a Christian and won’t even repent of the basic miscalculation of thinking yourself a woman when you are NOT. And NEVER will you be. That is called PRIDE on your part, thinking you know better than God. He didn’t make a mistake with you, you made the mistake and you suffered for it, and now you sit here presuming The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob’s Judgments after He made it CLEAR!? Do yourself a Favor, either Repent, or stop calling yourself a Christian. People like you muddy the waters and cause others Truly on The Path to Stumble. And Jesus made very Clear what would be better for those who make His Little Ones, Stumble. You are ill, and because you claim to see, your sin remains with you. Throw your “transgender” nonsense on the cross and save yourself from your own ego.


A Follower: Mr. Platt ? Why do you intentionally hurt me? Have you increased grace by calling me “Mr.”? Please show compassion.

You have been misled. If you look up devil, it means accuser or slanderer. Satan means enemy or astray. You simply do not understand that the true enemy is the accuser that leads us astray.

God gave me a woman’s mind, a woman’s heart, a woman’s soul and a man’s body. This is not a lie nor a delusion because I gave it up to God many times and He gave it right back every time. I prayed for YEARS for help or support or something. He gave me death and rebirth as a whole woman. To this day He continues to bless me and my family with miracle after miracle.

Ah Deu 22:5. It’s a paradox because it says some part of me will always sin. Matt 5:28.

There are 2 solutions to this:

1. Jesus tells us if a body part causes us to sin, we should cut it off. Matt 5:29. My penis is all that identifies me as male and thus a sinner. SRS will fix that. If you want to argue DNA, I recommend you watch this:

2. Romans 13:8-10.  If we love each other without condition we are fulfilling the law.

1 Corinthians 6:9
Malakoi refers to a boy who prostitutes himself out in God’s temple. I recommend learning more about the Corinth life style. Here’s the 1st reference I found:

Even still, I am reborn a woman by God’s grace.

Stop blaming God for your own personal choices and your misperceptions.

Again, are you increasing grace by making uninformed accusations?  Being transgender is NOT a choice.  It’s a torture thrust upon me from an early age.  So much of your argument is based on this misconception.  Please open your heart.  I beg you, listen to my story and find healing, not judgment.

A few years ago I had a vision while in church. Jesus walked up and hugged me. The love and warmth was so overwhelming I cried openly. That feeling stayed with me for years! WHY WOULD I GIVE THAT UP? Why decide to turn my back on such an experience? It wasn’t the first.

I know Jesus.  He is my friend and confidant.  But that relationship has been beaten and bruised because I have been so cruelly judged by so many Christians claiming “love” while condemning me.

Being a transgender woman and a Christian is not impossible for all things are possible with God.

What is more important: the law or love?
Is anyone saved by the law? No! The law condemns.
But true love fulfills the law AND brings healing.

Please. I do not want to change your walk with God. I want to open your heart and mind to a greater existence. I am hoping we can be friends. You are my brother. I am your sister.


“Blows from a Friend can be Trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” -Proverbs 27:6. Once again, Grace is not something you abuse as an excuse for your sin. You believe you are a woman, you are not. God makes male and female. You are what you really are no matter what your feelings say. Yes, Jesus’ Love is Deeper than anyone can imagine, and He Loves You, even if you Reject His Commands by not Repenting. He Loves You, but those who Love Him, Does what He Says. You can try and shape up an anthropological argument at an attempt to defend yourself against the very definition of what malakoi is. The word doesn’t change because you attribute it to a certain custom, Like gay not meaning homosexual even though it’s a word widely attributed to sexual offenders. May I suggest that I am not hurting you, what’s hurting is your pride and ego. You honestly defend the indefensible and attempt to wrap scripture around your chosen lifestyle instead of conforming to Scripture. This isn’t a guess or an assumption, a man is a man and a woman is a woman, end of story, and not only is there any science to refute that, there will never be science to refute that. Your claims are made only on personal subjective beliefs about your mental state, and not Biblical ones. Like I said, please, call yourself a buddhist or hindu, whatever, but please, don’t call yourself a Christian while rejecting The Very Notion of Repentance by Insisting that you are somehow more special than anyone else and don’t need to Repent like everyone else. You sit there and Spit upon The Face of Christ, Brazenly, and Openly, with a Smile, and expect everyone to treat you with the utmost sensitivity. I must be the only friend you actually have if you’re actually a member of any kind of congregation that would be so cruel as to consider you a disciple of Christ and baptize such lack brazen rebellion and lack of Repentance. You cannot even compare yourself to a eunuch, because not having functional or fully functional genitalia does not somehow make you a third or an opposite gender. You should feel bad, and your feelings should feel hurt for lying and self-justifying as you do, leading other astray from Holiness and Righteousness in Christ and accusing God of creating sin in you. Whether you believe you chose this or not, sin is a choice and you are responsible for it according to The Bible. If you don’t like it? Repent or have enough integrity to stop calling yourself a Christian until you Count The Costs. I will call you what you are, and if whatever Church you belong to has any sense, they will disfellowship you immediately for heresy and Blasphemy against The Holiness of God.

This is going nowhere. You don’t get it and you won’t listen.
Why are you throwing up so many wall? You aren’t saving me. You’re pushing me away! You aren’t being kind and loving. You’re looking for excuses to condemn.
Is that really what you want? To push and prod and belittle and dismiss everything I say so you can “save” me? Wow. You’re “healing” is coming from a DARK place.
You speak lies and deny my reality. Heresy and blasphemy? I am only a man?
Your last comment is filled with hate and condemnation. It seems like you only want to cause pain and see me suffer over and over just to appease you, not God.
Are you sure God is with you, Pharisee?

These talking points you throw at me have been done and said by people like you for years. Noone’s pushing you away, because you’re not coming clean to begin with. What is there to push you away from? What’s Pharisaical about adhering to Holiness? Was it that the pharisees were following Scripture that caused them to condemn themselves? Or was it that they made up their own laws “based” on Scripture to justify their importance and necessity amongst God’s People? It has certainly been an amazing challenge indeed fighting against the type of lie people like you peddle. You mix the concept of Love into your poison so that people initially feel disheartened and dumbstruck at even attempting to see past your scheme. You do not represent Love, and Love does not rejoice with unrighteousness. If you feel condemned, it’s because you Reject what Jesus REALLY did for you on that Cross. He took your SIN (what you claim is not a Sin) onto Himself and paid YOUR penalty with His Life. That cross should have had YOUR body on it, and mine, instead He Chose to Lay Down His Own. I have no excuses for my evils, and I Consider Brother or Sister (Appropriate to Actual Biological Sex) everyone who, in Witness to His Sacrifice, Lays down their own life and their own views and their own subjective desires for The Sake of Conforming to God’s Will, and God’s Will has been The Same from The Beginning. He Never Changes. Jesus won’t stop Loving you, but Spurn His Love with your arrogant declarations of pseudo-belief and pseudo-science. I don’t need to “get” it. God is not a God of Confusion, and I don’t need to understand confusion to call it confusion. You don’t want to Repent? That’s on you, I can only Point you in The Right Direction, because as it stands, you don’t Preach Jesus, you preach your own religion based on your beliefs about YOU.

I just realized we have not shared prayer. Maybe that’s what’s stopping our conversation.
Lord Jesus, we come to you this day in humble prayer. You are Great oh, Lord. We seek your guidance, Lord and your wisdom. Speak to us that we may recount it to others. Drive away the darkness that seeks to confuse and confound.
And that’s as far as I can go.  Nothing will be gained by my responding to your comments.  We both must decide our paths and trust that God will guide us so long as we continue to look up and ask for help.
I can make a case for my side because I have to believe God did this for a reason. We can overcome anything so long as we keep God the focus.
There it is!  We aren’t focused on God.  We’re competing with each other to see who can out-quote the Bible. But we are of the same cloth – Christian.
The reason I said you’re driving me away is because I felt like you were boxing me in. You have no idea how bad being transgender is. The pain and regret and longing is like an acid, eating away your heart and your soul. Why would God want that of anyone? And when you transition the acid stops but now nearly every Christian becomes an acid, insisting you go back to the torment and decay.
Does that make sense?
That’s the trap.  If I do nothing – as you say God commands of me, I am eaten from the inside out. I cannot stop it and God will not stop it. I begged Him. I pleaded. I gave it all up to Him and he gave it back.
But if I do something I’m an outcast, a leper to society, condemned by my brethren and told I can not be a Christian.
Do you see a way for me to exist in any semblance of peace?

You said I’m not coming clean. Could you explain that? And what lie do we peddle? Thank you.

I appreciate your willingness to Pray and Seek Help and Understanding, that is Great, and I know what it’s like to have a thorn in the Flesh that I Pray to God about and He will not take from me, but as we read from Paul, that is for The Sake of Humility. Once Again, I think we are reading The Same Scriptures, but in Different ways. I don’t believe i’m out-quoting you in The Bible, I Believe that I am arguing for Scriptural Integrity. In Truth, Suffering is part of The Christian Walk. Jesus was Tempted in Every Way, yet He did not Sin, and we are to Follow His Example and Walk in His Steps. Sure, that’s Difficult for us who have been given over to Sin from Childhood, but my Pleading is for you to understand that nothing comes from assigning God Responsibility for our faults. These Faults are ours and whether we like it or not or feel like it isn’t, these are our faults and the consequences of our choices. Like Paul Says, we are washed Clean of our Sins, but that doesn’t make us Innocent. I hope you understand, Like Paul in his Letter to The Corinthian Church, I am not intending to condemn you and I know my words bring Sorrow, but my Intention is to help you Make it to Heaven Through Repentance and we were Taught in Christ. Sure, it’s Harsh some times, but our Salvation is not in our effort or in our sense of Peace, for our only Peace is in Christ, not in our bodies. I Struggle my own lusts, and they are damnable in and of themselves, but there is a difference between accepting Grace in Weakness, and Promoting Sin in Grace. You may have weaknesses that I don’t, but that doesn’t make you somehow different from me or anyone else, or special, it means that you need to Surrender, like everyone else, to God’s Will, no matter what your Body or Heart appears to be saying to you. Our Hearts are deceitful above all else. We need to train our Hearts, not Follow them. We Follow Christ. I hope you understand.

A Follower: I agree with most of your comment – except I have not been given over to sin all my life.
You didn’t answer my question. Perhaps I should try a different scenario:
A man breaks into your home, ties you and your family up and places 3 vials in front of you.
Vile 1 is a compound that will slowly destroy your brain over a month and leave you a vegetable.
Vile 2 is a compound that will kill you instantly.
Vile 3 will subtly alter your mind so that you forever have a lying tongue. He tells you to drink 1 and he will let you go.  He offers you no other options.  He will not kill you nor help you.  If you dehydrate or starve to death, that’s the same as taking vile 2.
(As in Deu 22:5, Prov 6:16-19 labels a lying tongue as an abomination.)
Vile 1 is out because your family will end up destitute and homeless.
Vile 2 is out for obvious reasons.
Vile 3 puts you in constant sin but leaves you otherwise healthy and capable of supporting yourself and your family.
What do you do?

I honestly will not be dragged into hypotheticals created on the terms of your argument, it’s useless, and I will not answer that. In response to your earlier questions, that was already answered for you. I’m sorry, but it has been made clear. You are lying and refuse to accept that you are lying. We all do that and/or have done that. It’s those that insist on harboring and grooming their lies that condemn themselves in the end. You have not come clean because you think you have no sin (error) in your logic about your supposed “transgenderism”. Because you think you have no sin here, after it has been made CLEAR that this is what Sin is, you are a Liar, and according to Scripture, not only are you a Liar, you are Calling God a Liar, and The Truth is not in you. I will not regard you as a Christian, and anyone who dares to regard you as a Christian shares in your guilt. You are not innocent of your crime against your own reason and existence. You are not clean, because you do not believe Jesus washed away the sin of obnoxious pseudo-religious “transgender” beliefs. You do not Serve God, and you are Not Born Again/Born of Him. As Jesus Himself Stated, those who say “Lord Lord” will not make it into Heaven, only those who do His Will. His Will was Clearly to make you a Man. Your will was to make yourself a woman. You obnoxiously presume yourself to be what you can never be because you fear what you really are, a snake and a coward. Too afraid to be a man. There is Hope for you if you choose to Repent, but this argument is done. Let it be known, no “transgender” or “homosexual” or anything of the like is a Servant of God. God gives Grace to The Humble, and Opposes The Proud. You, sir, are Proud. I will not be responding any more and tossing my pearls before someone like you that enjoys the mud you wallow in. You refuse to be clean? That’s your choice. Don’t blame anyone else, or God, or Biology for your self-imposed pseudo-beliefs. God, Jesus, and The Word do not stand with you, Here.

Wait, please! I did not explain myself well and I hope you can forgive me for the miscommunication. I did not mean to upset you.
Please, take a deep breath. Calm down. That was exceedingly harsh, but I forgive you.
First, I sin in many ways.  And I ask forgiveness for all my sins.  I repent of all of it, even dressing as a woman.
I was baptized as a man.
I gave myself to God as a man.
I attended VdC as a man more than once.
I have performed great works in His name.
I have played the worm on a hook, bringing others to God. He saved them, not me.
I have made some small connections in God’s word that others have found profound.  It wasn’t for my glory.  I wrote them anonymously so only God gets the glory.
And God blessed me and my family over and over.
Neither my wife nor I were able to conceive a child, yet God gave us a remarkably healthy son.
Many of my troubles have been swept away by God, disappearing before I could address them.
Every time I am truly in need, God has provided.
I worked on 3 teams at my (now ex-)church, bringing cheer and hope to others through God, never myself.
And that’s just the highlights.
Please remember, I was a man for 46 years.  I did everything I could to be and stay a man.  I worked at it every moment of every day.  And believe me, it constantly requires a lot of work for me.
Even today I do not want this. I do not want to be transgender.
I am trying to understand why God did what He did.
Why did God make me like this then tell me I have to keep it a secret?
Why did God let me become so amazingly overwhelmed that I died, then bring me back?
Why did He strip me of everything when He brought me back?
Why has He never sent help?
I have suffered a great torment beyond most people’s wildest imaginings almost every day since I was 10 years old. It crippled me.
I seek understanding from God or His servants. So far the only answers have been judgment, condemnation and flat-out denial my problems exist.

I really didn’t want to respond. I can see your pain and I get that you have problems and struggles. I can’t say any more than what i’ve already said. Why? Because there simply is nothing else. Everyone in their walk needs to hit this wall. Everyone in their walk with Christ needs to come face to face with themselves, and give themselves over to death again. When you’re in Jesus, you Need to be a NEW Creature. Whatever old man or old beliefs, or stinging and lingering personal and limiting beliefs about yourself need to be nailed to the cross on a daily basis. When you come to Christ, you admit that HE is Lord, that HE is The Truth, The Way, and The Life. There is no other way, except through HIM, and that means that you no longer Live. You Die to your Sin Every Day. I’ve had to deal with my having my first sexual encounter at the age of 7 years old, and binge watching pornography for hours at a time, often on a daily basis since then. I gave myself over to marijuana, cocaine, ecstacy, pcp, shrooms, and alcohol for 6 years, and i’ve done far worse things, but laid it all at the cross 5 years ago. It doesn’t mean I still don’t struggle. I never really had a clean childhood and I can’t say I even know how to have a spouse and don’t know if i’ll ever get Married, but you know what? I get the Greatest Peace of my Life when I Humble Myself under God’s Mighty Hand and Proclaim before Him that NONE of that matters. Only Him, and His Will. If I am Never Married, nor have Children, nor gain any status in this world, I Need to make sure that at least, I am Secure in Him, and THAT’S what matters. I know that I am wretched, and I lust, and I lie, and I harbor my own personal sentiments and beliefs about myself that I feel God isn’t fulfilling, but then I remember that Jesus said, Seek The Kingdom and His Righteousness, and THEN i’ll have my Heart’s Desires. Translation? I have absolutely no clue what I really want or really need. Only God Knows That, and i’m only torturing myself by Presuming So. You need to understand, that I am not attacking your struggle, and I don’t believe your ex-church, or anyone else you knew that you felt attacked by, was attacking your struggle either. If you told them what you told me, then I can only imagine the one thing that ticks everyone off about this topic: You honestly presume to know too darn much about yourself. Why is it that you simply cannot be satisfied with what God Gave you originally? That you need to go and rid yourself of your manhood so you can attempt to rob women of their womanhood? How can you be so ungrateful, and Judge God for bestowing upon you The Honor of being a Man? Why can’t you be Happy for Women? And Love them with the extremely Strong sense of Empathy that you seem to Possess? There is no kind way of putting this at this point, because you’re not making a small misstep here, you’re creating an entirely different paradigm than what was given you. Regardless of how you feel and what you’ve had to endure within your heart and soul, you need to understand that God is God and you are not. Instead of banging at the doors trying to force God to answer as to why you feel this way, or attempting to provoke a response by dabbling in the hollow philosophies of the world, how about you look Intently at The Law and do what It Says (James 1:25). Can you Trust God, that there will be Peace? Can you Trust Him that no matter how long you need to wait and Suffer, that you Will Understand it all in The End, as long as you Endure? There can be no place for the world’s logic in God’s eyes. The wisdom of the world is foolishness in His Sight, and I think God is Calling you Back to Surrender. There really is nothing more to it, and Believe me, I get angry all of the time, and need to wake up and apologize to God for it, but as The Word Says, Be ye Angry, Yet Do Not Sin. It’s okay to feel frustrated and angry. It’s often the prime motivator to seek out wisdom and clarity and focus (i.e., God Himself), but we must not become consumed by it and dart off into the darkness in shame and fear. In my system of congregations, we recently had a Brother who led a life of “transgenderism” and got the whole sex change operation and everything. He looked like a woman, but when The Standard of Christ was Presented to him, he began the journey of reversing his course, and no longer dresses as a woman. Now, yes, he has a lot to overcome, but he made The Decisions based on what God wanted for him, and not what he wanted. Does it mean me and him agree on everything? No, we have a whole ministry called Strength and Weakness dedicated to reaching out to the LGBTQ community, and I personally don’t agree with their stances either, but I personally know men from there who are struggling and trying to Live a Life for God In The Way that He Desires. At Minimum, that is all we as a Church in Christ can ask for, that every Brother or Sister attempt, at base, to Live a Life Worthy of The Calling, and have us there to help them back up when they fall down or slip up.

A Follower: thank you.  I really appreciate that you responded.  That was actually well written.  I could feel love in your message.
I will leave it at that.
Peace to you.

Could you answer a complete different question for me?  I promise I won’t turn it into a debate.
Why do we follow some of the old laws and not others?

Well, I believe what you’re speaking of is commonly referred to as Cafeteria Christianity, where we pick and choose Scriptures that more agree with our attitude and ignore the ones we don’t like. I think everyone does that with everything, and at some point need to choose to grow out of it. It’s one thing, though, to be using a set of Scriptures to define your current place, while reaching out to seek how to understand and implement those Scriptures within The Proper Spiritual Context, and another to only go by, let’s say, only one book of the Bible and ignore that the other 65 don’t exist. I also believe that some Scriptures are very broad-sounding in their application, and need to be restrained by other Scriptures. For example, “be all things to all men” is one that is widely used, and often with neglect to how Paul also states that we are not to be yoked together with unbelievers, or how John tells us to stay away from Idols, and how all of Scripture, New and Old, tells us to be Holy (separate) in every respect like The Father is. Our Path is a Path towards Perfection, but not our Perfection, God’s Perfection, and we slip up from time to time, but the point is to get back up and continue moving towards The Goal of Holiness and Righteousness. That is The Grace that we have been Given, removal of the condemnation of The Law for The Sake of Making it To Heaven in Christ. However, it’s still a Race to Heaven, and not necessarily a get out of jail free card.

Btw, I believe you will get much out of this. I’ve met The Founder, and although I do not necessarily agree with all of his views, He is doing what he can:

A Follower: Forgive me, I think I just figured out what you were trying to say about cherry-picking.
What I meant was, why does Deu 22:5 condemn me while everyone ignores Lev 19:19? Isn’t that cherry picking?

I read your comment, and I need you to understand, that the view you espouse does not change The Bible. Jesus told many people harsh things and let them walk away, why? Because he’d rather His Sheep who are willing to Give up Everything to Walk His Walk and Suffer for it. I can understand despising cookie-cutter pseudo-Christian ideology that tries to mold everyone into a false image (usually that of whatever person is leading The Church). That is not what we’re talking about here. Christianity is Rooted and Founded in Scripture. If you do not agree with ALL of Scripture, then you sit in Judgment of it. Once again, humanity is not going to bow down to serve your sentiments. You are not going to convince everyone to treat you in the way you think you deserve to be treated, especially if you’re wrong. The Church has no Right to offer you Acceptance or Reconciliation if you Refuse to be Reconciled to The Basic Truths of The Bible. I’m sorry, but we’re clearly going in circles here. You will simply need to keep hitting the wall that you are hitting until you realize that you are arrogant. I honestly don’t care what hell you personally have had to go through, because I am convinced by your pride in your own self-imposed beliefs that you brought it on yourself and continue to bring it on yourself. If you want to be Reconciled to The Body of Christ? Start on Neutral Ground by Repentance and Fruit of Repentance by abandoning your Unbiblical and Unholy Beliefs. Niceness leads people to Repentance, except those who don’t want to Repent. You can feel as condemned and hurt as you want, The Truth Hurts and does not lend itself to Unrighteousness and Foolishness. You want Sensitivity? Stop humbling yourself only enough to get an edge in in a conversation to continue to push your false doctrine as Christian doctrine. You are not a Christian, as it stands Right now. Want to be one? Start with Repentance by turning away from your false beliefs that you are a woman and admit that you have a problem. You are a man with severe issues of idolatry. God Gives Grace to The Humble, but Opposes the proud. I will not listen to or agree with exhortations to supposed Love and Grace from a Brazen Heretic and Insistent Liar like yourself.

Oh, man.  I am praying for you.  I really hope God heals your heart.  I don’t know who hurt you so bad.  I just hope you can find the love to heal.  Only then can you stop spreading more hurt.
I will say thank you.  Despite all the intentionally hurtful words and all the lies you made up about me, God has used you to help strengthen my connection with Him. You’ve forced me to defend my faith and that has made it stronger.
Thank you.
If I am dead to you, fine.  I am sorry I wasted your time.  Please, I beg you, look into your heart and find the hurt that is leading you.  I can’t tell you how to heal it because I don’t know it’s source.  But I can feel it all the way over here.  It rings in your words.
There’s a book called “Callahan’s Cross Time Saloon” by Spyder Robinson. (Great book!) In it he says, “shared pain is lessened and shared joy is increased.”
May you find and share your pain so that it may be lessened.
Be well, brother.
P.S. I just wanted to know why 1 verse is dismissed while another is not and I still don’t have an answer. I will pray on it.

We all get hurt and we all have wounds, at times deep ones, but I don’t blame anyone for them. If evil came upon my Life, it was for my inevitable Good, so that I would Humble Myself and Surrender to God. I Look into my Heart Everyday and Everyday I wake up and pick up my Cross. That is all that I have that Gives me True Purpose, and I will not stand for someone claiming to have the same Faith, and lying about it. Jesus didn’t die for your Sin so that you can promote it. I’m sorry that you hurt, but you defend nothing, and you make yourself an enemy by your insistence on defending your nothingness. Your brazen actions are rebellion and hatred towards God, and you deny your very Existence in This World as God Made You. You can flip things around all you want in the name of Sensitivity and Grace, but you are Wrong, and you teach Wrong things, partaking in the guilt of those who preach blindness and filth to lead God’s Sheep further away and off the cliff of madness. I Truly don’t want you to die or continue on in your sin, so that noone else in their blindness finds an excuse to blaspheme God because of you. However, you sir, are not in a place to demand any kindness or sensitivity. You’ve proven in this conversation that you have no intention but to grow stronger in your non-repentance/rebellion and move on in a mission to lead God’s Children away from The Truth and Subvert God’s Churches with Lies. I Pray that as your flesh is continually given over to satan, it will end in your repentance, and not your death. That you will be made into a Force for Truth, in the end, and not a gravedigger and a pit for God’s stars.

A Follower: Please help me.  Your condemnation is based on me lying yet I’ve lost track. Please forgive me for not understanding the source of your accusations.
Let me state I do believe Deu 22:5 is valid.  I have not attempted to change the words or the meaning.  It is a sin I do struggle with.
As for Malakoi, could you explain why a definition that suits your needs is more important than a definition that applies to Corinthian culture in a letter to Corinth?
Did I miss another lie? Please expose me that I may fight those demons.
Thank you.
I wish you peace.

A Follower you are correct. I’m no Christian.

The definition of Malakoi is the behavioral attitude at the source of the behavior. It defines the person’s character at the source of their actions. It’s like the gender and sex argument. Gender is not separate from sex. Although Gender is constructed and reconstructed culturally and socially, the social and cultural constructions are based on the differences between biological sexes, they cannot be separated from them and you can’t “trans-gender” yourself without deceiving other and yourself at the core of what said gender is rooted/constituted from. It is futility. That is why malakoi is what it is in Word and Definition before its application in a socio-cultural sense. I am Glad, honestly, that we got to some Reasonable conviction here based on Biblical Principle. I am not condemning you, but admonishing you, as we are taught to do Biblically. I am Glad that you acknowledge sin for what it is, and now I implore you to Consider Christ as He Is and Follow Suit, abandoning your views and replacing the gap with His Eyes and His Heart. This does not mean that you won’t struggle, that is not what I am saying. This means, that like every Christian, you put the old man and his sinful views and desires to death every day, and every day you put on The New Man in Christ.

A Follower could you answer my question, please?

My Path to God

I will lead others to God by example through love, compassion and acceptance as Jesus did.  That we walk with them does not bind us to them.  It doesn’t limit us, it frees us and makes us stronger.  And I think that’s one of my biggest problems with the way most Christians approach the LGBT community.  So many sit from a haughty position demanding others join them to be saved.

Nobody will be changed by telling them who they must be or how they must suffer.  We will not turn broken hearts by using “tough love.”  That’s lemon juice on a paper cut. Rather we must be gentle and healing. We must seek to sooth the heart and soul before anything may be gained.  We must bring them up so they can see, not tear down what they’ve built, even if they’ve been building straight down.

Show them the sun, the light and the warmth of God through yourself – your actions and your stories.  Show them how the path saved you and how it may help them.

We do not shine with our own light rather we are mirrors reflecting God’s light and grace into the shadows.  But if we want to shine a light on someone we must know where they are first.


We can help guide others but to do that we must first know them by standing in their shoes and seeing with their eyes.  Without knowing where they are and what they see, nobody can point them to a better way.  Without knowing we only look like lost hypocrites pointing in some random direction.  For their path in not our path.  Their walk is not our walk.

When we see the world and God through their eyes, we gain perspective.  This doesn’t chain us to them or encourage their direction.  Rather we see the road blocks and pit falls ahead of them.

Without knowing them we often point them in a direction they cannot go and they quickly give up.  By knowing them we can show them how to get around the road blocks and help them over the pit falls.

THAT is love in my book.

The road to God is not a single straight and narrow path that leads to the narrow gate that few enter.  Each of us walks a unique and bumpy road that takes us through darkness and light, life and death, love and disease. With help we can stay on our path to reach the gate.

That is all I ever wanted.

What did I get? Road blocks. Demands that I suffer endless torment into hell.  Then I’m saved… and alone in the dark with no heart.  All that would remain of my soul would be a few tatters and shreds.

For most Christians: you may not believe me but have you stood where I stand and seen what I’ve seen?  Your perspective works for you.  The path you walk is your path.  I may find it offensive feel bullied into walking it but I will not call it wrong.  The thing is, I cannot walk that path.  It is impossible.

For me to walk the common Christian path destroys love and blocks grace.  I know because I reached the end of that road.  There’s a pit at the end that requires great strength to jump.  By the time I (and many like me) get there, we are too weak and fall instead.

So there must be another way beyond the laws that define the common Christian path.

For me the path is defined by 2 parts: belief and love.

I believe Jesus is real, that He is Lord and that He died and was risen to take away the sins we give him.

I also seek to express love as Jesus did.  Love everyone from the most vile of people to Mother Teresa.  All they need do is want love.

I must work outside Deuteronomy 22:5 in the hopes Romans 13:9-10 and John 15:12 are correct.  And not stray from that path.

You may disagree.  Every Christian may cast me out and call me lost and condemned – as many have.  I will still walk my path because it keeps God in my sights and allows me to be me without hurting myself in the process.

I know my path works because I feel God’s love and grace.  That warmth cannot be faked with deception.

My path, bumpy though it may be, gives me strength to fly over the widest pits.  Even better, it helps me help others with their road blocks and pit falls.

All Glory Be to God!


It’s 3:00 PM and my weight is 224.6.  Not bad but my weight loss has stalled.  Time to start working out.

GOAL: 210 lbs, 40-

Desired Goal: 40-33-43
Why?  So I can order a large (size 14) from!

I need a routine.

6:30 Start the day!  Work out for 20-30 minutes.
7:00 Shower, dress, makeup, meds
8:00 Leave for work
1:30 Afternoon meds (if any)
5:30 Home again, home again.
11:00 Get ready for bed – wash face, meds
11:30 GO TO BED.  That’s 7 hours sleep.

Cardio Routine

  • Running in place – 30 sec
  • Jumping jacks – 30 sec
  • Push-ups – 30 sec
  • Mountain climbers – 30 sec
  • Jumping jacks – 30 sec
  • Mountain climbers – 30 sec
  • Run in circle – 2 min

Plus do 1 of:

  • Practice Songahm 1
  • Take a walk
  • Ride the bike

Starting today.

I blew it

November 9, 2017

Vanessa and I have been visiting a shop downtown and have made good friends with a girl who works near our favorite coffee shop – Cup a Joe.  Sarah quickly became someone we enjoyed seeing on weekends.

The previous weekend we finally made plans to get together, hopefully today, to hang out and talk.  Real girl-talk!  Up until then all I had was Vanessa.  Our other roommate, Kit, despised me – and still does – because I opened Vanessa to the world and she loves it.

Okay.  Kit was jealous but that’s a whole other story that I still find confusing.

Sarah was to meet a friend then come over around 8:00 PM.  Well, that friend didn’t arrive at her place until 10:00 PM.  We weren’t meeting that night.  That left us with Sunday morning.

Sunday… hmm…  I suppose I could spare a couple of hours to solidify a friendship.

November 10, 2017

Despite a crippling law suit from Target a few months back, I managed to save up $100 for our up-and-coming wedding anniversary.  I had to use a creative financial shuffle to balance everything.  I thought I was secure.

Then the unthinkable happened: Sprint demanded payment or we all lose cell phone service.  The price to keep us communicating: $94!  NO!

I explained this to Becca but was so caught up that I completely forgot about our dinner date.  I had $52 to keep me for the next week and I was busy trying to figure out how to stretch that so I can just keep gas in my car.  Nevertheless, my failure to consider our date was my first mistake.

November 12, 2017

The big day arrives.  2 big events in 1 day!

We met Sarah at Fiction Kitchen for lunch.  It was amazing.  I was planning on getting just water or a drink but Vanessa wouldn’t hear of it.  She insisted on pay for my lunch.

After sitting there for a while, we headed back to our apartment and talked for a few hours.  Eventually she had to leave – as did I!

But what was I doing with Becca?  My plans had been destroyed and I had nothing for her – that I could remember.

Worse, what do I wear?  This is between her and Bob so dressing up as a woman seemed wrong and unfair to her but dressing up as a man was equally wrong and unfair to me.  I ended up in a pink tee-shirt, grey sweats, nice black sweater and no makeup.

I stopped at the store intending to get a rose – red or white – and a card.  Naturally there weren’t any roses so I went for the next best thing I could find: food.  She had mentioned years ago that she loved Summer Sausages and I knew she loved Hershey’s Kisses.  That handled, I handed over my lunch money for the week.

The card was blank – nothing else made sense given the state of our relationship.  I did my best to write something meaningful and heartfelt without being condescending or too suggestive.

Then I made a massively critical mistake.  I tried to get creative by writing her name on the front of the card in 2 colors.  “R – b – e – a” in blue and “- e – b – c -” in red.

It came out Rebbeca instead of Rebecca.  I got the count correct… IDIOT!  After 13 years I finally misspelled her name right when it was critical I get it all correct.

So I show up with no money, no plans, cheap gifts and a card with a misspelled name.  Meanwhile she was dressed up, expecting a good time and got… a kick in the teeth.

It crushed her.

I tried.  I swear I tried to do right by her.

And seeing her response devastated me.

I had nothing left.  Everything had been spent on bills and a little gasoline.  Actually, more than everything had been spent.  Lunches and dinners are getting ever smaller.  My thanksgiving week is already overdrawn and I haven’t been paid yet.  It’s a good thing I only need to get to work 3 days next week.  Maybe I’ll camp out and save gas.

But Becca is still devastated and I’m at fault.  What can I do?  I begged her to forgive me.  I’m still begging even though she says I’m forgiven.

Worse, she’s questioning letting me be a friend.

November 16, 2017

I held on to my last $12 until yesterday when I used it for gas.  I think I have enough to get me home but not enough to get me back to work tomorrow.  I’d normally be thankful for a pay day.  But tomorrow’s money is already claimed.  I have nothing for the next week.  Still, I’ve survived this long.  I’m sure I’ll find a way through the next few weeks with little-to-no money.

I just need to worry about selling our house and find a new place to live by Dec 28.  Kit has given me until that time to move out.  He cares not where or how.

And now that Target is happy, I need to pay back Paul all the money I borrowed to pay Peter.  December will be very tight.

Work has been frustrating event after frustrating event.  We’ve had so much overlap and bad design, I can’t get my code to stay working.  It works.  Someone makes changes and breaks or completely subverts my work.  Guess who gets blamed?

2015: walking through hell with God
2016: swimming in hell with God.
2017: poked my head up and was thrust back into hell by “Christians.”  Now it’s just hell and sinking.  I gave up on god.  His crappy 6w night light gave out on me.

Why am I trying to make a difference?  No matter what I do I get beat down.

year after year after year of hell.

I have so little left.


1 year later…

1 year ago (10/13/2016) I started on estrogen.  I had been on Spiro for a month prior, but that was for blood pressure with some testosterone blocking affects.

So what’s changed?


  • I live somewhere else.
  • Rebecca and I are just friends.  (At least we have that!)
  • I respond to Rachael naturally.  Bob still works, but not as well.
  • My weight is down to the high 220’s – low 230’s.
  • I dress only as a woman.  My male clothes only come out… well, no, they don’t come out anymore.  Time to donate!
  • I love wearing dresses and skirts, especially to work!
  • I love putting on makeup.  I’m learning various eye shadow styles these days.  With little effort I can make myself look younger and more vibrant – and more feminine!

I found a sister in Vanessa Rosen.  We think SO much alike it’s scary.

I found a friend in Kit Rosen, though it’s been up and down.  They are super funny but asexual.  Think Spook.